David McFarlane

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I used to love kids TV when I was younger - heck, I still like it now (SpongeBob SquarePants is very enjoyable, LazyTown is a work of genius) and I’m 25 this year.

I was thinking about some of the stuff from the past that I’d like to see again, so here’s my "top ten British kids TV shows they should bring back" - and who knows, maybe someone from the BBC or ITV will read this and re-commission some of them (please?!?).

10. Bernard’s Watch

"How great would it be if you could stop time with an ancient watch that’s actually a clock?", I hear nobody ask. Well, Bernard’s Watch answered that question by having the dude above get to mess around with time like he was Doc Brown or something. Every episode had a moral to it as well so you weren’t only entertained, but educated as well - like never running in front of parked cars and such malarkey. Also judging by the picture, it’s safe to say that the ladies love the clock.

9. Where’s Wally?

Where’s Wally? was a cartoon based on the shit hit books of the same name. Although looking for someone in a crowd of people sounds as interesting as watching paint dry, it actually became quite addictive. The TV series was on at about 4.30 pm - either before or after Bad Influence (yes, I’m sad enough to remember that) - but was hardly watched by anyone, sadly. It did have one of the most memorable theme tunes ever made, which is reason enough to bring it back to our screens.

8. Spatz

Spatz was a sitcom set in a fast food restaurant - something that’s never been tried again for two reasons. One, they’ll never do it as well as Spatz did it, and two, everyone would be put off fast food for life if they really saw what happened in a genuine outlet. A DVD release of this would be fantastic, but as I’ve yet to find anyone who even remembers the brilliant beginning (with a bloke in a top hat dancing between some burgers) the chances seem pretty slim. I can dream though!

7. Zzzap!

Imagine a bunch of camp actors playing wacky characters from a comic book that comes to life and you have Zzzap! Neil Buchanan starred in this as Smarty Arty (who was an artist, obviously) whilst presenting Art Attack. Incidentally, I believe there was something evil about Cuthbert Lilly - his eyes always looked dead, almost like there was some kind of monster lurking behind his wacky exterior. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this. Either way, Zzzap! was always something to look forward to after a wonderful day at school.

6. Round The Bend!

If Round The Bend! was shown on kids TV now, it would be taken off the air within a week. With segments such as Botman (a parody of Batman, with the lead character having a fat arse), John Potatoe’s Newsround (a parody of John Craven’s Newsround, presented by a potatoe) and Tommy’s Magic Time Trousers (where a boy could travel through time by simply dropping his trousers) causing a bit of an outrage, Mary Winehouse used her magical powers to get the show cancelled. With political correctness gone mad in this country as it is, I can see no hope at all for a return of this magnificent programme. I do hold out some hope for a DVD release though - then again, I am an eternal optimist!

5. Fun House

Fun House was a real crazy show, were anything could go. At least, this is what the theme tune told us! The reality was slightly more mundane, but the sight of Pat Sharp’s mullet was enough to have women go weak at the knees. With a brilliant end segment (which involved running around a giant obstacle course thingy and then racing in karts), this was a massive hit with schoolkids all across the country. I’d like to see Pat Sharp (and the lovely twins!) return to what we all remember him for - bad hair and general madness.

4. Rainbow

Even if Rainbow did have an odd setup (a bloke living in a house with three puppets does seem a trifle weird) it still manages to attract a cult following, even now. Let’s save Geoffrey from his life of taxi driving, and bring him back to entertain kids of all ages - it’s what he was born to do! You can actually get some episodes on DVD, but a new series would do down even better. I believe there was some talk of an adult show happening - I’d much rather prefer it like it used to be though, please.

3. Mike & Angelo

Mike & Angelo was about a boy who discovered an alien was living in his house. I have no idea where the ideas for these shows come from, but I’d like to shake the hand of the person who dreamt up this one. For some reason they changed the actor who played Mike without any really explanation which is a pity, as it went a bit downhill after he left. Here’s a quick bit of trivia for you - the guy who played Angelo went on to become the narrator for the Teletubbies! I bet he longs for the return of Mike & Angelo as much as I do (I’d at least like the CITV channel to show repeats at some point).

2. Maid Marian And Her Merry Men

Ah, Maid Marian And Her Merry Men. With a simply fantastic cast, including Tony Robinson (of Blackadder and, erm, Time Team fame) and Danny John-Jules (The Cat in Red Dwarf), this programme was simply unmissable when it was shown on the BBC. It took the original story of Robin Hood and flipped it on it’s head - Marian became the hero, whereas Robin was a bit of a wimp. With some genuinely funny comedy, I was glad when it was announced that this was coming out on DVD (I believe that all 4 series’ have now been released), but a new series would be out of this world. Come on Tony, write another one!

1. Knightmare

Knightmare was simply the best true kids TV show ever made, in my opinion. A truly innovative programme that was well ahead of its time, Knightmare combined "virtual reality" with a game show format to absolutely fantastic effect. Challenge TV did repeat this for a while until losing the rights (get them back you fools!) and a new format was proposed back in 2004, but the essence of the original was lost (the dungeoneer could clearly see their surroundings) - "ooh, nasty" indeed. A return for this is LONG overdue.

There we have it then, ten kids TV shows I’d like to see come back - many will disagree with me and say I should have mentioned other programmes, but I am but one man and my joys are simple.

Will any of them return? I’m forever an optimist, so I’ll say yes - for if only one does return, I have done my job (well, I can fool myself into believing that I have anyway!).

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