David McFarlane

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Panorama ran a special episode tonight about children being safe on the Internet. Unfortunately, it turned out to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I’ve ever seen.

I should make clear that I believe paedophilia is not something to be laughed at under any circumstances - but these programmes are.

Every attempt that is made to try and come across as being serious just ends up like an episode of Brass Eye!

It’s blatantly obvious that Chris Morris was right when he did the paedophile special that caused so much hysteria a few years back - the media would have you believe that the Internet is full of perverts waiting to ensnare your child at the soonest opportunity.

Yes these fruitcakes do exist, but what kind of parent are you if you let your child go off willy-nilly anyway?

Have we become so useless in this country that we need to be told how to look after children?

Or is everyone too interested in whether Britney Spears is a nutjob?

Nice isn’t it? Well, sort of.

I’ve lived here most of my life but, as with any small town, there isn’t that much to do.

Yes we are relatively close to Edinburgh, have a leisure centre (wow), a Tesco (who are obviously missing me ), and a fairly decent library - but apart from that there’s pretty much fuck all here.

I’m not knocking the place at all (I can imagine worse places to live), it’s just I wish there was more here!

How about the long-mentioned swimming pool (not that I would use it!)?

There’s about as much chance of that appearing as there is seeing Gary Glitter working at the primary school.

e4 have a new advert running promoting their new lineup of programmes, but that’s not what I want to talk about (even if I do want to see the second series of Skins!).

The advert bangs on about how British society has basically gone to the dogs - and, interestingly for a promo, it is absolutely correct.

In this country we have become too soft on hardened criminals, while at the same time punishing lesser crimes too harshly. I’m only 24, but even I can remember when driving offences weren’t really that big a deal - unfortunately, we now live in a country that deems fit to punish if you go too slow!

I really don’t know what the answer to the problems we have is, but I do believe we should have more respect for each other - without respect, you have nothing.

In unrelated news, Dunfermline drew today with Dundee (they’ve now not lost for a good few weeks!). Newcastle play tomorrow against Stoke in the F.A. Cup.

Not much more to say today, so I’ll sign off.

Goodbye.

Facebook is pants - there I’ve said it.

Not just from a user’s point of view (far too much fannying around with applications), but from an advertising perspective as well.

Put simply, when Facebook started their own advertising network the potential for something as interesting as the beginning of Google AdWords was flushed completely down the toilet. Yes they have a very good targeting system, but the conversion absolutely sucks!

Also, what’s the point in the gift buying thing?

If I wanted to buy someone a drink, why in my right mind would I buy them a virtual one THAT THEY CAN’T EVEN DRINK?!?

The mind boggles!

In other news, Dunfermline have appointed Jim McIntyre as their manager on a permanent basis (giving him a two year contract, which could be considered a bit of a risk) - all I can say is good luck Jim, you can’t do any worse than Stephen Kenny!

I’m now back into the swing of things after the festive period, when it’s nice to take a few days off and just chillax a little bit.

Anyway, must be off - things to do, countries to conquer.

Cheerio.

Bear with me on this one.

I watched The Matrix last night, and it got me to thinking. What if it was real?

I mean, can you imagine if you woke up one day and found out that everything you believed was a lie? Would be one hell of a mind-fuck!

The message contained within the film is a fairly obvious one, if you ask me. I think that they are basically saying "reality is what you make it", which is a good way to live your life - if you know you’ll never be a success, you never will (ergo if you know you will be successful, you will).

Choose to be the best at everything you do, and life will reward you greatly.

Almost a catchphrase, isn’t it?

Toodles.

This is a question that I’m often asked - even by people who should know better.

To be honest, most people just blank over if I try to explain exactly what it is that I do to the point where I wonder whether or not I should just tell them I’m a drug dealer. Perhaps this would make them shut up!

Anyway, popular belief would have you convinced I was selling sex toys (yes, I’ve heard that) or some other stupid shit - unfortunately, the reality is a tad more mundane.

So mundane, I won’t be sharing it here - so there!

I’m taking a couple of days off for New Year so I’ll be back again on the 3rd of January.

Try not to miss me.

I saw I Am Legend yesterday.

It’s not a bad film (in fact, it’s probably Will Smith’s best performance since Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air!), it just doesn’t have anything that original in it. I realise that many films rehash old ideas, but this one just seemed to be lacking any originality at all - from the empty streets of New York, ala 28 Days Later (OK, it was London), to the pretty bad CGI mutants, there was very little to make you say "hey, I haven’t seen THAT before!".

The big letdown was the last act. I won’t spoil it for anyone, but be prepared to be disappointed.

All said though, I Am Legend is at least a good chance to see Will Smith acting his socks off - still not gonna get an Oscar!

In other news, Newcastle lost again today (2-1 to Chelsea) but Dunfermline won again!

A 2-1 win over Stirling Albion means it’s three wins in a row - champions?!?

I’ll be back tomorrow.

I genuinely think that MC Hammer is misunderstood.

Yes he spunked most of his cash on useless crap (the guy had a mirrored bathroom, a gold jacuzzi and a bowling alley for Christ’s sake!), but he still found the time to share with the world such classics as U Can’t Touch This, Too Legit To Quit and The Addams Family Groove - without these wonderful examples, where would we be?

Stuck listening to Vanilla Ice probably.

Actually, he’s another one who has been treated badly - Ice, Ice Baby is the only rap (I use the term loosely) song that I know all the lyrics to. Possibly not a very valid reason for showing sympathy for him, but it works for me.

So if anyone ever dares to criticise the greatness of Hammer, all I can say is this - stop, hammertime!

It has to be said that the offerings on TV this year were very, very poor.

I’m not that much of a sad bastard that I waste my life watching hours of shit, but you’d expect at least something half decent on Christmas Day - Only Fools And Horses, etc. in the past have been a good way to finish Christmas.

Unfortunately, as most media people seem more concerned with pap like Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor I expect that the standards will slip even further in the future.

On a happier note, Dunfermline won again (two wins in as many weeks, I cannae believe it!) - although Newcastle lost to Wigan.

I’ll be back with more more pish tomorrow.

Thank the lord for Mark Viduka!

As I was saying yesterday, Newcastle were going to win today - except that never happened.

Derby took the lead twice, and heading into the last five minutes it looked like The Toon were done for - until the man, the myth, the legend that is Mark Viduka popped up and equalised.

I still have egg on my face though!

In other news, I’m taking three days off starting tomorrow and then it’s back to work on the 27th (no rest for the wicked).

Also, it’s Christmas so have a good one - I’m sure Mark will!

Toodles.