David McFarlane

Long time, no blog.

In the time since I was last here, much has happened – a very mixed bag of good news, bad new. Being the eternal optimist that I am (though you would probably never believe it based on some of my rants!), the good bits are worth mentioning first.

The Good

America has voted in somebody who looks as though they actually give a shit, which is a novelty in this day and age. I felt particularly happy for Jesse Jackson – what he’s done throughout his life is worthy of respect from everyone.

I was also quite happy to see my former rector at Inverkeithing High School, Lindsay Roy, win in the Glenrothes by-election. Even though he’s "friends" with our useless leader, he’s a good man who has done alot of things that I don’t think people fully appreciate.

Finally, I was glad to see that the price of petrol has returned to near-enough normal. As long as OPEC don’t try any funny business, I can see it staying at these levels for some time to come.

The Bad

Sadly, it appears as though we are heading into an abyss that there is no way out of. This would be the case if you believed everything that you saw or read, but reality paints a very different picture.

I personally know of at least two companies who were ready to make big-ish investments into companies, but put the plans on hold until some of the doom-mongering blows over. You can see why they’ve done this, as being seen to spend a crapload of cash in a bad economy might seem a bit odd.

I think that we’ll see many big and small companies disappear over the next year, although this could actually be a good thing. Many will go out of business as they are badly run, not because of the economy – which gives those who actually do things well the opportunity to capitalise on the idiocy of others.

There’s much more I’ve got to say on this, but I’ll wait until tomorrow to blabber a bit more.

Excuse the fact that I’ve not posted in ages – I’ve been busier than a one-legged cat covering up its own shit.

Since that last time I’ve turned 25, which is a wonderful feeling. It’s not actually, it feels completely the same as 24, 23, 22, 21…except I finally have pubic hair. Rejoice.

Today I’ll be taking another pop at Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling (like I did about Northern Rock earlier this year), for they are a couple of shits of the first class order.

Let’s take a look at what’s going on in the politics bolitics world of the UK Government:

• The housing market goes down the toilet, and everyone is automatically supposed to wet themselves at the prospect of living in a house made out of twigs;
   
• Banks stop lending money to people who should never have been lent money in the first place, leaving nobody with enough money to buy stuff they don’t actually need;
   
• Alistair Darling reveals that things are going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Everybody panics and start wondering how they will be able to afford their two holidays a year and extra car;
   
• Alistair Darling reveals that there won’t be enough money for the current generation’s pensions when they reach 65, but nobody cares as they are pissed/off their head on coke/a paedophile/rapist/serial killer/gang member/insert own generational stereotype here.

Really, it’s all a big bunch of bollocks.

The housing market has been due a correction for quite some time now, so for anyone to be surprised that it’s gone tits up is just stupid. Did anyone with any real intelligence seriously believe that prices could keep on going up, whilst salaries have hardly increased at all? Come on now!

As for the banks stopping lending, again we need to put on the common sense hat for a minute. If you can’t afford to buy something, DON’T FUCKING BUY IT! Save up for it and you’ll appreciate it a whole lot more – this whole "want it now" attitude is incredibly childish and idiotic.

Of course things will get worse before they get better, but will they get worse for the likes of Darling and Brown who are each probably making around £100,000 a year? I think not.

The pensions thing is another thing that shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, as the Government would rather spend £100,000 on the Prime Minister’s website (proof) than improve anything that anyone actually uses. Here was me thinking that being able to live was more important than a website – how wrong I am.

Sadly things will more than likely never change, even if/when the Conservatives get into power. I really can’t see how someone different can turn around a country that has nothing to offer in terms of value – we don’t produce anything of importance, our public services are an embarrassment, we’re totally overpopulated, and there will simply never be enough money to go around.

These are the facts, whether anyone wants to admit it or not, and we have to live with them – or leave.

Good day.

I haven’t blogged for nearly a month now, mainly because now that the football season is over (yes, the European Championships are on, but I have no vested interest) I have little to say.

That’s not entirely true, as I have some more stuff planned for this blog soon – it’s trying to find the bloody time to do it!

So, instead of me bleating on I’ll give you some inspiring words that should inspire your sorry ass.

Enjoy.

If you’ve never failed, you’ve never lived…

Yes, I’ve completely gone against what I said in my last post – this blog gets neglected more than my hair does. I’ll try and post a bit more regularly, but I’ll make no promises!

Today’s post will be about why I hate Manchester United. Hate’s a bit of a strong word – strongly dislike is probably more appropraite.

Many fans across the country will tell you that they are the number one team they dislike (actually some will say Leeds, but I’m not so sure that’s the case any more). Many foolish United fans will tell you this is because they are successful, or that they have loads of decent players – they’re wrong.

Most people hate Man Utd because most of their fans don’t come from anywhere near Manchester – that’s true about other teams, but United fans are mainly made up of glory hunters and people from foreign countries who’ve seen them on the telly.

Alex Ferguson is one of the biggest arseholes this side of America, so add that to the list (he spends so much fucking time looking at his watch you’d think it was broken).

The fact that sections of the media in this country love nothing more than banging on about how good United are (so good they were beaten by Coventry, who are so shit even Iain Dowie couldn’t stand staying there).

Eamonn Holmes supports them. And he is a cunt.

Roy Keane used to play for them. And he too is a cunt.

The bullshit excuses you get when they lose or draw "unfairly" really piss me off as well – I’m sick of seeing Carlos The Jackal on Match Of The Day whenever they drop points as you can near enough guarantee he’ll blame the referee, Arsene Wenger, Jesus, Bob Marley, Albert Einstein or Adolf Hitler.

There’s probably more, but I thin you get my point – everyone will probably hate Manchester United well in to the future.

And they have nobody to blame but themselves.

First off, apologies about the very patchy posting schedule – too much to do, but I promise I’ll post more from now on!

Anyway, I want to prattle on about how this season has been for both of David McFarlane’s teams (technically I should be doing this after the Premiership season is over, but what the heck).

I’ll start off with Dunfermline. Much was expected of The Pars once they left the SPL – unfortunately, nothing went to plan. Stephen Kenny showed that he really wasn’t up to the job (the fact that the team flirted with a relegation dogfight says everything) and was booted out before he could do any more damage. Jim McIntyre was a slightly surprising choice as his replacement, but he’s shown that he’s more than capable towards the end of this season. I can honestly see Dunfermline making a strong push for promotion next year, so here’s hoping I’m right!

Moving on to Newcastle now. After getting a new owner in the shape of billionaire Mike Ashley, the Toon Army were hopeful that this season would finally be the one were their team won some silverware. A promising start to the season made everyone rejoice, until things started to go badly wrong for Sam Allardyce – the capitulation against Portsmouth in November seemingly the catalyst. The writing was on the wall for Big Sam, and he was show the door (so not only do both my teams wear black and white, they like sacking their managers).

Speculation was rife about who should take over the club – would it be Alan Shearer, or a foreign coach? In the end there was only one man for the job, and his name is Kevin Keegan. Although he seemed to struggle initially with adjusting back to football, King Kev has shown how good a manager he really is over the past few weeks.

An 11th place finish looks likely, which is actually a bit better than many would have predicted earlier on – however, next season I believe we’ll see a different Newcastle. I can see them going for the top five, but I’d be more than happy with a European place (and a cup, please!).

I’ll leave you with a video that shows you how much passion The Messiah has, and why I believe he will lead us on to glory (it also helps that he’s taking a pop at that shitebag Ferguson).

Cheerio.

I used to love kids TV when I was younger – heck, I still like it now (SpongeBob SquarePants is very enjoyable, LazyTown is a work of genius) and I’m 25 this year.

I was thinking about some of the stuff from the past that I’d like to see again, so here’s my "top ten British kids TV shows they should bring back" – and who knows, maybe someone from the BBC or ITV will read this and re-commission some of them (please?!?).

10. Bernard’s Watch

"How great would it be if you could stop time with an ancient watch that’s actually a clock?", I hear nobody ask. Well, Bernard’s Watch answered that question by having the dude above get to mess around with time like he was Doc Brown or something. Every episode had a moral to it as well so you weren’t only entertained, but educated as well – like never running in front of parked cars and such malarkey. Also judging by the picture, it’s safe to say that the ladies love the clock.

9. Where’s Wally?

Where’s Wally? was a cartoon based on the shit hit books of the same name. Although looking for someone in a crowd of people sounds as interesting as watching paint dry, it actually became quite addictive. The TV series was on at about 4.30 pm – either before or after Bad Influence (yes, I’m sad enough to remember that) – but was hardly watched by anyone, sadly. It did have one of the most memorable theme tunes ever made, which is reason enough to bring it back to our screens.

8. Spatz

Spatz was a sitcom set in a fast food restaurant – something that’s never been tried again for two reasons. One, they’ll never do it as well as Spatz did it, and two, everyone would be put off fast food for life if they really saw what happened in a genuine outlet. A DVD release of this would be fantastic, but as I’ve yet to find anyone who even remembers the brilliant beginning (with a bloke in a top hat dancing between some burgers) the chances seem pretty slim. I can dream though!

7. Zzzap!

Imagine a bunch of camp actors playing wacky characters from a comic book that comes to life and you have Zzzap! Neil Buchanan starred in this as Smarty Arty (who was an artist, obviously) whilst presenting Art Attack. Incidentally, I believe there was something evil about Cuthbert Lilly – his eyes always looked dead, almost like there was some kind of monster lurking behind his wacky exterior. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this. Either way, Zzzap! was always something to look forward to after a wonderful day at school.

6. Round The Bend!

If Round The Bend! was shown on kids TV now, it would be taken off the air within a week. With segments such as Botman (a parody of Batman, with the lead character having a fat arse), John Potatoe’s Newsround (a parody of John Craven’s Newsround, presented by a potatoe) and Tommy’s Magic Time Trousers (where a boy could travel through time by simply dropping his trousers) causing a bit of an outrage, Mary Winehouse used her magical powers to get the show cancelled. With political correctness gone mad in this country as it is, I can see no hope at all for a return of this magnificent programme. I do hold out some hope for a DVD release though – then again, I am an eternal optimist!

5. Fun House

Fun House was a real crazy show, were anything could go. At least, this is what the theme tune told us! The reality was slightly more mundane, but the sight of Pat Sharp’s mullet was enough to have women go weak at the knees. With a brilliant end segment (which involved running around a giant obstacle course thingy and then racing in karts), this was a massive hit with schoolkids all across the country. I’d like to see Pat Sharp (and the lovely twins!) return to what we all remember him for – bad hair and general madness.

4. Rainbow

Even if Rainbow did have an odd setup (a bloke living in a house with three puppets does seem a trifle weird) it still manages to attract a cult following, even now. Let’s save Geoffrey from his life of taxi driving, and bring him back to entertain kids of all ages – it’s what he was born to do! You can actually get some episodes on DVD, but a new series would do down even better. I believe there was some talk of an adult show happening – I’d much rather prefer it like it used to be though, please.

3. Mike & Angelo

Mike & Angelo was about a boy who discovered an alien was living in his house. I have no idea where the ideas for these shows come from, but I’d like to shake the hand of the person who dreamt up this one. For some reason they changed the actor who played Mike without any really explanation which is a pity, as it went a bit downhill after he left. Here’s a quick bit of trivia for you – the guy who played Angelo went on to become the narrator for the Teletubbies! I bet he longs for the return of Mike & Angelo as much as I do (I’d at least like the CITV channel to show repeats at some point).

2. Maid Marian And Her Merry Men

Ah, Maid Marian And Her Merry Men. With a simply fantastic cast, including Tony Robinson (of Blackadder and, erm, Time Team fame) and Danny John-Jules (The Cat in Red Dwarf), this programme was simply unmissable when it was shown on the BBC. It took the original story of Robin Hood and flipped it on it’s head – Marian became the hero, whereas Robin was a bit of a wimp. With some genuinely funny comedy, I was glad when it was announced that this was coming out on DVD (I believe that all 4 series’ have now been released), but a new series would be out of this world. Come on Tony, write another one!

1. Knightmare

Knightmare was simply the best true kids TV show ever made, in my opinion. A truly innovative programme that was well ahead of its time, Knightmare combined "virtual reality" with a game show format to absolutely fantastic effect. Challenge TV did repeat this for a while until losing the rights (get them back you fools!) and a new format was proposed back in 2004, but the essence of the original was lost (the dungeoneer could clearly see their surroundings) – "ooh, nasty" indeed. A return for this is LONG overdue.

There we have it then, ten kids TV shows I’d like to see come back – many will disagree with me and say I should have mentioned other programmes, but I am but one man and my joys are simple.

Will any of them return? I’m forever an optimist, so I’ll say yes – for if only one does return, I have done my job (well, I can fool myself into believing that I have anyway!).

After I’d all but written off his chances of turning Newcastle around, King Kev is finally delivering the goods. Some excellent performances over the past few weeks have seen the Magpies begin to flirt with the top half of the table – which would have sounded pathetic at the start of the season, but now sounds absolutely fantastic.

The players seem to have their belief in their abilities back, which is a key factor in the recent turnaround. A player who is short on confidence and doubting whether he’s good enough is about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest. To see that the Messiah has even managed to get Joey Barton performing half-decently is enough to make a grown man cry (almost).

Although Newcastle drew 0-0 with Portsmouth yesterday, it wasn’t as though they turned up looking for a draw – quite the opposite, in fact, as Mickey Owen could quite easily have won the game if it hadn’t been for the imposing figure of David James in the Pompey goal.

This change in fortunes highlights one thing I’ve thought for a while now though – if you have belief in your own abilities, you can achieve anything.

If you ever feel down and in need of a pick-me-up, just remember one thing – it could be worse, you could be Titus Bramble.

Goodbye.

I can’t say that I particularly liked New Kids On The Block back in the day, but I’m sure some people will be excited to know that they have reunited.

To celebrate this momentous occasion (!), the group appeared this morning on the NBC show Today. You might be happy to know that they announced plans to release a new album and go on a tour to celebrate the 20th anniversary of their platinum-selling Hangin’ Tough record.

Donnie Wahlberg, who shocked absolutely nobody by being an extremely mediocre actor, has been writing new material with the other members of the group – I can only hope his songwriting skills are of a higher standard than his performance in Dreamcatcher (seriously, that film was a big steaming pile of turd).

I’m sure Danny Wood will be the happiest of them all about this reunion, as his last group where possibly the worst thing to come out of Britain since Jade Goody. If you can’t remember Upper Street, count yourself lucky – the sight of a bunch of ex-boyband members squabbling like children on MTV was incredibly embarrassing to watch (incidentally I happened to notice Jimmy Constable, formerly of 911, on The One Show last night – how the mighty have fallen).

Will they be able to come up with something as good as Hangin’ Tough again? Will Marky Mark make a special appearance and show everyone his pants? Does anyone care?

These questions and more will surely be answered in the not-too-distant future.

I, David McFarlane, dislike the BBC intensely – I think this comes from having a big pile of bullshit delivered, courtesy of their news and current affairs output, on a fairly regular basis.

On Monday night, their consumer rights programme Watchdog had a piece on Internet shopping and the dangers associated with it. To try and highlight how easy it is to scam people, they decided to create a website that sells gifts at competitive prices (such a wonderful use of taxpayers money, don’t you think?).

Allegedly it only costs £60 to set up a site like theirs, but if you believe that then I’m afraid you have as much intelligence as Jade Goody after twelve pints. Many companies would gladly charge you upwards of £800 for such a site (which reminds me – if Watchdog want somebody to look into, how about those idiots who "create" websites for around £2,000?), so to suggest this would cost the average punter £60 is frankly rubbish.

Now the whole point of doing this was to show how easy it is to scam people on the Internet, but not once did we hear anything about how to avoid encountering such sites in the first place. In fact there were only two people intereviewed that had been victims, along with an "Internet expert" (quite how he got this title, I don’t know) – not exactly a crisis, is it?

The cherry on top of the bullshit pie is that while Watchdog harp on about deceptive online practices, they admit that they intentionally falsified domain registrant information – which is in breach of the domain registration terms of service. Well done.

The BBC continuously spout out crap that is just simply not true – another example is a piece they did on Panorama about Wi-Fi connections being harmful to children. Without any actual evidence, they decided to carry out some "experiments" to try and work out if children would be affected by radiation coming from the connections – radiation was used multiple times, when in fact you get the same amount of radiation from a light as you do from a Wi-Fi connection. Of course, these "experiements" found that the danger risk is quite high (when it’s actually probably more dangerous to go to the toilet in the dark).

The BBC employs morons and presents lazy journalism as fact – the sooner we stop paying for this rubbish, the better.

Although it still has one redeeming feature I suppose – Charlie Brooker.

With the housing market in decline, banks bricking it that people may discover how bad their debts really are, jobs beind fairly difficult to get and Newcastle winning a game under Kevin Keegan it makes you wonder how long Joe Bloggs will be prepared to put up with this country.

Possibly a little bit on the melodramatic side (bear in mind that this is the Internet, so hyperbole is a given), but the realities for the average person living in the UK are pretty dire.

With petrol costs rising pretty much every week and food going up quite a bit as well, I personally can’t remember a worse time (I’m 24) to be here. I’m thankful that I myself am not harshly affected by these things, but many people are.

How long do you think it will be until a mass exodus from the country occurs?

If Gordon Brown and his cronies continue to piss about with everybody, it could be sooner than you think.